What determines chemistry between two people? Why does romance end and the power struggle begin? Why do you fight about the same things over and over again? Why can't your partner listen to what you are saying and acknowledge that you make sense? Why does the romance end and the stalemate begin?

Disappointed in your mate? Did you know this could be an excellent sign?

When we fall in love, we see life in technicolor. We feel sexier, smarter, funnier. We feel whole, we feel complete, and we feel connected. Why does this end and the fighting begin and continue--what happened to the person we thought completed us? Why is it that the very qualities we once admired now drive us crazy?

Old hurts resurface as we realize that our partner cannot or will not love and care for us as promised. When this happens we try to coerce them through shame, intimidation, criticism, anger, crying-- whatever works. The power struggle has begun and may continue until you, in desperation, split up, settle to uneasy truce, or look for help.

What's going on? We've come to the conclusion that what we have here is what is called an Imago Partner. This is someone who possesses both good and bad qualities of our parents, (particularly the qualities that hurt us the most--the ones that prevented us from getting our needs met). In addition, our partner possesses the qualities in ourselves that we were taught to disown or deny. This causes us to feel complete as now we have within the other person the very characteristics that have been lost within ourselves.

Growing up we instinctively developed a pattern of behavior to protect us from being wounded again. But all the same, we continue to carry around an internal image, a sort of imprint of our parents traits. When we, as adults meet someone who meets our emotional imprint, we fall in love. Our imperfect parents, freeze dried in the memories of childhood are reconstituted in our partner.

Unconsciously, we need to be healed by someone with the very deficits that hurt us in the first place. When you understand that you have chosen your partner to heal certain wounds, you've made the first step on the journey to real love. Conflict is a sign that the psyche is trying to survive, to heal by stretching out of the defenses. It's only when you don't have this knowledge that conflict is destructive.

The good news is that the power struggle is supposed to end. The emotional bond created by romantic love evolves into a powerful bond through the process of resolving conflict

Many couple's problems are rooted in misunderstood, manipulated or avoided communications. Unless you're conscious of the dynamic you may think divorce will solve your problems--only to select another partner with similar characteristics. The core skill in Imago Therapy is designed to correct this. Instead of criticizing and shaming the other for not meeting your needs and desires, you will learn to hear, validate, and empathize with your partner. Clear communication is the window into the world of your partner. being heard is a powerful aphrodisiac.

These techniques are taught by Janet Hostetler, Certified Imago Relationship Therapist . She is a practicing Psychotherapist in Palm Beach Gardens, FL. She can be reached for appointments at (561)624-8819 Ext 1